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My
Webster’s New
Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines taboo as "prohibited or
forbiddenby
tradition, convention, etc." Taboos involve what’s felt, thought,
said
and done in such areas as desire and feeling, death, sexuality,
religion,
morality, politics, money and our bodies.
When
I was a kid,
many people were superstitious: Friday-the-thirteenth, step on
a
crack, break a mirror = seven years of bad luck, walk under a ladder,
black
cats, and so on. What characterised these and many others was that they
were explicit, they were acknowledged. ("Oh, that’s
Friday-the-thirteenth—it’s
not a good day to hold a wedding";."Don’t walk under that ladder—it’s
bad
luck!") Although few of us seem to hold these beliefs these days (which
is not to say we’re any less superstitious—consider the popularity of
astrologers
and psychics), we still seem bound by many taboos.
I
think we tend
to look at taboos as prohibitions practised in cultures lost somewhere
in the stone age, perhaps the Polynesians in the South Seas or a tribe
in Africa. After all, aren’t we far too modern and enlightened to
engage
in such practices? I suggest otherwise; that, in fact, the list of our
taboos is virtually endless:
desire
and feeling
-
Being
envious
-
Being
greedy
-
Being
selfish
-
Feeling
sorry for oneself
-
Men feeling
hurt, sad, scared, crying, admitting weakness, asking for help,
directions
-
Feeling
or expressing pain (e.g., being hurt, scared, sad) ("don’t be a cry
baby—big
boys don’t cry")
-
Not loving/being
critical of our parents
-
Hating
someone
-
Boasting;
bragging; being pompous; not being modest; not being humble
-
Being
honest with someone when doing so might disturb that person
-
Feeling
euphoric, being exuberant in public,
-
using
drugs, such as marijuana (even medical marijuana), that elicit pleasure
-
Being
proud (pride goeth before a fall)
-
Being
giddy, childish
death
-
Talking
to a dying person about his dying ("Sam, I imagine it must be hard to
accept
that you may have only a few weeks left to live!)
-
Using
the word "dead" when speaking about a person’s being dead (Instead, we
use "cosmetic" terms, such as passed, passed away, passed on, gone,
departed, gone on to a better place, in heaven now, etc.)
sexuality
-
Saying
cunt, love hole, fuck, etc. (I even feel some fear in writing these
words
for you to view.) According to Dr. Cherry Lee—The Hidden Effects of
Sexual Guilt, there are more than 1000 words for the genitals and
over
800 words for the sex act itself, yet only a handful of these words
appear
in standard dictionaries.
-
Being
photographed sexually, viewing erotic material
-
Lusting,
particularly a woman lusting (the term "nymphomania" refers only to
females.)
-
Coveting/lusting
after one’s neighbour’s wife
-
Womanising
-
Being
a prostitute, whore or stripper
-
Touching
one’s own or another’s genitals or engaging in intercourse in public
-
Ogling
or leering at someone
-
Being
sexual with a close family member
-
Masturbating,
engaging in sodomy
-
Being
homosexual, transsexual, transgender
-
Men being,
acknowledging being impotent
-
Talking
to children about sex
-
Discussing
one’s sexual experiences with friends or intimates
religion
-
Questioning
or criticising religion, Christ, the church, the pope
-
Being
an atheist, espousing atheism (one writer calls this, The
Last Taboo)
-
Not treating
a priest, rabbi or minister with deference
politics
-
Being
politically incorrect
-
Asking
someone’s political affiliation
-
Criticising
one’s country, capitalism, democracy
-
Praising
or defending others’ ideologies, e.g., communism
money
-
Being
poor, unemployed, on welfare
-
Asking
someone how much money he or she makes
our
bodies
-
Being
bald
-
Bad breath,
body odour
-
Being
overweight (particularly women)
also
-
Picking
one’s nose in public (the theme of a Jerry Seinfeld episode) or private
-
Urinating
in the shower (the theme of yet another Seinfeld episode)
-
Appearing
slovenly in public, e.g., unshaven or without makeup
-
Scratching
one’s genitals, farting, belching, urinating in public
-
Begging
(P-l-e-a-s-e!)
-
Failing,
needing help, depending on others
-
Swearing,
saying shit, piss
-
Being
critical of a taboo
-
Being
weak; not being tough, strong
-
Not succeeding
-
Being
single past 25
-
Being
mentally ill (e.g., suffering from schizophrenia or manic depression)
-
Being
suicidal
-
Being
a whistle-blower (don’t rock the boat)
-
Being
a snitch, a tattle-tale
-
Rooting
for the visiting sports team
-
Questioning,
defying authority (police, parents, teachers, bosses)
-
Admitting
to being addicted to alcohol or drugs (which is why Alcoholics
Anonymous
is anonymous)
-
Not liking
or wanting children
-
A woman
marrying a man younger than she is
Taboos
are universal,
although what’s taboo varies from culture to culture. For example, in
Japan
it’s taboo to lick the ends of one’s chopsticks or to fill one’s mouth
by stuffing in more food with them; in Israel it’s taboo to admit an
Israeli-Arab
party member into the government. Further, taboos change from time to
time.
For instance, before the sixties, sex before marriage was taboo.
A
taboo is not
simply something that’s not customarily done (e.g., working the
graveyard
shift), or something that’s not considered to be a good thing to do
(e.g., leaving your car door unlocked when you’re in the store
shopping),
or even something that is illegal (e.g., Jay walking).
Taboos
may be
explicit
(e.g., the taboo against murder) or implicit (e.g., the taboo
against
asserting that God doesn’t exist or the taboo against a man telling a
woman
he’s just met that he’d like to make mad passionate love to her). In
the
"revolution" of the sixties, much that had been taboo until then (e.g.,
questioning the virtue of the war in Viet Nam) was made explicit and
vigorously
discussed and, as a result, many changes occurred.
Taboos
are absolute.
Therefore, there is only one acceptable way to deal with abortionists,
drug users, prostitutes or homosexuals. In a non-absolute world, this
inevitably
sets people against one another.
Taboos
evoke aversion,
evasion and disapproval in others. Their power lies in their threat of
shame, of condemnation, and even of annihilation.
They
also derive
power from their rightness being considered obvious: It’s taboo to
question
taboos. They are therefore taken-for-granted and go all-but unnoticed.
We act on them reflexively, without thinking about their true
significance,
like we skirt the puddle of water lying in our path as we make our way
to our destination—with barely any reflection.
Many
people see
taboos as an inescapable part of a moral order through which we define
the boundaries of conduct by specifying what we must do, can do and
cannot
do. They are convinced that we are narcissistic creatures who have had
to devise taboos in order to be able to live together and protect the
social
order from our own egoism. Such people are also convinced that most
taboos
are good and that we should all obey them because they protect society.
Taboos
might not
pose a problem if it were not for the fact that our not doing something
simply because it is forbidden diminishes our freedom and
diminishes
and disturbs our connection with others; it cheats us of our right to
choose
and interferes with our dialogues with them. It seems rather ironic—and
telling—that in the United States, where there is such a strong taboo
against
killing ("Thou shalt not kill") we seem to have little
compunction
about killing murderers and have one of the highest murder rates in the
world.)
Please
note that
I’m not recommending that we have license to do or say what we
please
whenever and wherever we please. It isn't appropriate to act
in ways that damage or endanger either the actor or others. For
example, it would be in no one’s best interest to murder someone or cry
"fire" in a crowded theatre. (In fact, I suggest that posing or not
posing
a danger to someone—in a specific situation—is a far better criterion
for what’s desirable and what isn’t than some
absolute dictate.)
I
am saying
that it is not in our best interest to accept prohibitions without
reflection,
without questioning their validity, e.g., is there no downside to
democracy
or capitalism? Is there
nothing of value in communism? What is the danger in questioning the
existence
of God? What’s wrong with asking others how much money they earn? I
suggest
that it’s not in our best interest to obey anyone’s dictates (except,
perhaps,
in an emergency) without questioning them; and that it’s
particularly
in
our best interest to question—both individually and collectively—our
prohibitions
and dictates. It’s notable to me that we staunchly defend these
prohibitions—even
though they diminish us—while we tend to think nothing of watching a
sitcom
in which one character ridicules another or a drama in which the
characters
act out violently against each other—or even a commercial or
infomercial
on TV that is blatantly designed to manipulate us. It seems to me that
our doing so is related to our being disempowered by our obedience to
taboos.
Moreover,
I’m
suggesting that "tabooing" is violent. (In The Politics of
Experience,
R.D. Laing defines violence as attempting "to constrain the other’s
freedom,
to force him to act in the way we desire, but with ultimate lack of
concern,
with indifference to the other’s own existence or destiny.") This
violence
is perpetrated against both the person violating a taboo (or
struggling
not to) and those observers who empathise with the violator, but must
act
contrary to their genuine response. This violence is also perpetrated by
those responding in the manner demanded by the taboo to someone who has
violated it. Taboos are violent, as well, when they prohibit or demand
what is "unwillable," what cannot be chosen (e.g., hating or being
depressed).
In
thus disconfirming
both self and others, taboos involve abandoning both the self and the
other:
They eschew dialogue.
In
spite of the
sexual revolution of the sixties, for many American women there remain
taboos against sexual feeling, admitting sexual arousal and sexual
satisfaction.
They feel guilty about these. This is true for men, as well. In the
60’s
we opened the door and many taboos, such as divorce, women working,
single
women being sexually active, were discarded. The inference was that
there
was no limit to what we could do. The problem is that few reality-based
guides have replaced the non-reality-based set of prohibitions.
Dialogue—real-talk—is
the source, the partner in creating this reality-base. It’s real-talk
that
connects us and allows us to explore and to see more clearly; that
enables
us to shed light in dark places, to get past blind and fearful response
to threatening demand and to act, instead, out of illuminated care for
ourselves and others.
©
1999 Stephen
E. Linn, Ph.D. • Empowering
People
 
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